Primal Urges
by Pathwarden
Summary: Maxwell, the hamster intellectual, has not come to the clubhouse for three days. This implores his girl-ham, Sandy, to investigate, which leads her to discover Maxwell's unusual predicament. (Completed after inexcusable wait. :( )
1. Maxwell's Problem

**Primal Urges**

**A Story by Pathwarden based on the Hamtaro Anime (no ownership claimed by author)**

**Rated "PG-13" for adult content**

One day, within the confines of the hamster community's underground clubhouse, a certain, tiger-striped female sat alone at the central table. Her eyes stared out to nowhere, her voice occasionally emitting a sigh and the lips bent into a frown.

_I wish he was here today…it's been so long, _the lonely hamster thought to herself.

Three days it has been, and already the anxiety of separation grew in Sandy's mind like a boil. No smiles, no charming benevolence, no cuddling…life without her boy ham around was really beginning to stink.

"Hey, sis! How's it going?"

That was Sandy's twin brother, Stan. Apparently he had stopping flirting with the local hamster girls long enough to see that his sister was glum and blah.

"Hi, bro," Sandy said unenthusiastically, not moving her eyes from the aimless gaze.

"Why so down, sis? Everyone's having fun except _you," Stan pointed out._

"Oh, nothing's wrong." Sandy replied, though she did not do a good job of suppressing her saddened state.

"Oh, really?" Stan said, obviously not convinced, "Say, this wouldn't, like, involve that bookworm, would it?"

Sandy turned to face her brother, annoyed by the jest. "He _does_ have a name, you know."

"Hey, easy there, sis," Stan quickly sputtered, "I didn't mean nuthin' by it. But your love-boy Maxwell _does read a lot."_

That last statement is certainly true: Sandy's boy ham could probably be considered the most knowledgeable hamster in the entire community. But this trait had been earned in exchange for athletic fitness, for Maxwell preferred burying his nose in a book rather than keeping up a steady exercise routine. Despite this, his desire to help those in need of knowledge as well as his overall benevolence managed to woo Sandy without even trying, despite that the girl's active lifestyle nearly makes her a polar opposite.

"Stan, I'm worried about Max," Sandy confessed, "He hasn't come to the clubhouse for three whole days."

The twin brother shrugged. "Maybe his owner got a whole buncha new books or something. I bet he'd come back once he went through all of them."

"But Maxwell wouldn't shut himself up like that without saying anything," Sandy retorted, "Something could be wrong. He could be, like, down with the flu! Or worse!"

Stan chuckled. "Like, can hamsters _really catch the flu in summertime?"_

"It could happen!" Sandy rebutted.

"Are you sure?" Stan asked jokingly.

"YES!"

Sandy's sudden outburst effective silenced the whole of the clubhouse, for everyone halted to stare, surprised, at the incredibly tense female. Needless to say, Sandy felt quite infinitesimal; but her quick-lip brother managed to save face:

"Hey guys and gals, there's nutthin' to see here. I was just tellin' my sis about the new dancing ribbons at the store today."

_Whew…thanks, bro, _Sandy thought.

"In fact," Stan continued, as he suddenly grasped Sandy's paw, "We're about to head to the store right now to check it out, as a family thing!"

_Huh? W-what's he doing? _

"So, if you excuse us, ham-dudes," Stan concluded, dragging his confused, twin sister towards the clubhouse exit, "We gotta jet! Be back soon!"

Upon those last words, the clubhouse door had already been closed tight behind the tiger-striped twins. Stan released his grip, immediately dashing towards the awaiting network of subterranean tunnels.

"C'mon, sis! Try to keep up!" Stan called back.

With no other choice, Sandy scurried after her brother. "Hold up, Stan! Like, where are we going?!"

"Don't you want to see how your boy ham's doing?"

"Well, yeah! But why are _you_ coming along?"

"Just makin' sure you two lovebirds don't get any bright ideas!"

"Stan, you perv!" Sandy exclaimed, "I'm gonna get you for that one!" 

She dramatically sped up to deal a punishing tackle, sending her cackling brother packing.

**********

And so, the hamster twins made their way speedily through the underground network. Fortunately, Stand and Sandy knew the concealed routes like the back of their paws, so the trip to Maxwell's home- a library, of course –proved to be quick and painless. Access to secret entryways to the very room where the bookworm's cage was stored made their excursion even easier.

However, locating the specific position of the cage proved more difficult than expected, for the room was swamped in numerous volumes that consisted of the human book-keeper's personal archives. The old saying of 'a needle in a haystack' could not have applied any better to their predicament.

"Heh, I bet this'll be exactly how his heaven's like," Stan commented during the extensive search. Sandy uttered no reply, more concerned with the possibility that her dear Maxie-Waxie could be engulfed in unspeakable, horrible pain.  If that was not the case, however, Sandy's boy ham would have a _lot_ of explaining to do.

After rummaging through many gigantic books, the pair of siblings finally found Maxwell within his own cage. The brown-coated hamster of literary excellence, much to Sandy's great annoyance, appeared as healthy as a newborn, resting on top of his stomach quietly while flipping the pages of his personal, hamster-sized book.

The footsteps of unexpected visitors reached Maxwell's sensitive ears, and quickly turned to see the twins peering down at him. Their expressions communicated the message loud and clear: "Youse in deep trouble, boy!" Maxwell's countenance responded with the expression of "Oh, Crap!"

"Um, Hi, Sandy!" Maxwell said nervously, not moving from his prone position as the siblings entered his cage. They stood before the presumably inconsiderate boy ham, arms crossed, as their hard interrogation commenced.

"Maxwell, you jerk! Like, what've you been doing all this time?!" Sandy questioned irritatingly, her eyes hinting at impending doom.

"Believe me, Sandy, it's not what you think," Maxwell tried to say, but Stan interrupted, saying "Listen, Max. Lesson numero uno: Always keep in contact with your date!"

"And you haven't done that in, like, three whole days!" Sandy pointed out, "I thought you were sick or something but now I see you're just fine! Well, you _better _have a good excuse!"

Maxwell's voice turned meek. "Um…well, actually I _have been suffering from an illness."_

"Like what? The flu?" Stan said sarcastically.

"No…it's something worse. Much worse. I'm not sure whether or not it's contagious."

"Heke?" Sandy said.

"It's something that seems to be very…selective."

"Selective?" Stan inquired.

"Yes, _very_ selective," Maxwell answered, drops of sweat rolling down his brown fur, "And I don't want to infect anyone else with it, so please…keep your distance."

The bookworm's anxiety openly leaked out, slightly perplexing the twins before him. In fact, the prone hamster appeared so tense that Sandy was already prepared to forgive him; but Stan wasn't buying it.

"You know what I think?" Stan said, "I think you're just making all this up because you don't have anything good enough to save face. And you know what else I think? I think you should get off your lazy ham-butt and say sorry to my sis for acting like such a deadbeat!"

"But Stan, I think he's telling the truth," Sandy protested, now wishing her brother had not come along.

"Pffh. Right. If he's telling the truth, then I'm a gerbil!"

Maxwell's tone now grew desperate. "Stan, please don't force me onto my feet. You definitely don't want to see my ailment. It is so grotesque; it will forever haunt your dreams!"

Stan rolled his eyes. "You really are loaded with bull, aren't cha?"

"Stan, please!" Sandy tried to say, but her brother's resolve was made as clear as spring water:

"I'm gonna prove this guy's just weaseling out of trouble, sis! Right now!"

Stan stomped up to the lying Maxwell, whose eyes popped wide in horror as the striped brother grabbed onto the ears and began to forcefully pull upward.

"No, wait, don't!" Maxwell cried, but Stan ignored the pleas, forcing Maxwell upon his feet and revealing the bookworm's white underbelly...And at once, the twins screamed like little sissies, recoiling all the way to the entrance of the cage.

"Like, what the heck is wrong with you?!"

"It's huge!"

"Enormous!"

"I think it just moved!"

"That thing nearly touched me!"

"Hold me!"

Stan and Sandy held each other tight, their fur standing on end from the horror of the monstrosity that protruded out of Maxwell. The bookworm hamster hastily covered it up with his personal book, his face now a deep shade of crimson.

"Well, I hope you're satisfied!" Maxwell cried, "Now you've seen what I had to deal with for the past three days!"

"Max…what _was _that thing?" Sandy asked, still recovering from the shocking sight, even though the twins had stopped hugging each other tightly.

"You mean you have no idea?" Maxwell asked in disbelief.

"No, I've never seen anything like it!"

"Oh, dear," Maxwell muttered to himself, before turning to the male twin, "Stan, could you tell her about…well, you know?"

"Me? Nuh-uh, no way, you tell her!"

"I don't think I'm the one who should."

"She's _your_ girl ham!"

"She's _your SISTER_!"

"Alright, alright! I'll tell her!" Stan conceded, grumbling, "Sis, come close."

Sandy's large hamster ear approached Stan's tiny hamster mouth as the specific intricacies of the male hamster's reproductive system were fed into her conscience. By the end of the quickie lesson, Sandy's face matched Maxwell's in expression of pure embarrassment.

"You mean it gets THAT big when…um…"

"Yes! And please don't make me say all that again!" Stan pleaded, feeling like he just talked dirty to his own sibling.

"But, like, isn't that normal then, Max?" Sandy questioned her boyfriend.

"Assuming you are five seconds away from…er…the initial process of re-creation, then yes," Maxwell answered, "But the organ is like this not because I'm aroused, but because I had eaten a piece of a blue diamond thinking it was a diamond of sugar…that was three days ago, and it hasn't swelled back down since!"

"Say what!?" Stan exclaimed, "There's, like, candy that gives males a hard-on!? That can't be for real!"

"No, of course it's not possible, Stan. I'm really just a simple-minded pervert whose only objective is to take away your sister's virginity in as many an erotic positioning as possible."  

Stan, mentally paralyzed by the sudden rush of disturbing imagery, crumpled to a fetal position upon the ground, mumbling utter gibberish.

"Maxy, did ya, like, have to be so vivid?" Sandy complained, "You _know_ how protective my brother is."

"Sorry, Sandy, I was only trying to make a point," Maxwell answered sincerely, "But to tell you the truth, this problem I have effects my thinking greatly. Hardly a minute goes by without the thought of thoroughly copulating with the nearest female available. It has gotten so bad that I fear that no girl in the clubhouse would be safe from my primal urges. It's as though I'm becoming an entirely different hamster…one that should be locked up, unless an unsuspecting female is to be wrongfully abused."

Maxwell turned away from his girl ham. "Sandy, please go…before I lose control."

Never before has Sandy seen her boy ham so dismayed. It was as though Maxwell's innermost weakness had burst out without warning, ravaging his weak frame and terrifying his own mind. He feared he became a monster, so he isolated himself to protect loved ones. But was he really doomed to be forever aloof from society? Surely, it wasn't as bad as he made it sound!

"Maxy…I don't see what you're so scared of," Sandy began, "It's like you think you'd _want_ to hurt somebody, but we _both _know you're, like, a really nice guy. Any one of the girls would feel safe by your side…especially me."

Maxwell turned to face Sandy. "Even if I'm like _this_?"

"Yeah," Sandy answered.

Silence.

"Like, you should come back with Stan and me and hang out with everybody," Sandy continued, "You shouldn't have to miss out on our fun. And I, like, missed having you around."

Maxwell stared deeply into his girl ham's beady eyes. Within them he saw sincerity, understanding, and a true desire to help those in need. A soft grin escaped his lips.

"Ok then, I'll go, but on two conditions," Maxwell answered, his tone more confident, "First, unless we wish to gross everyone out, I'm going to need a loincloth."

"Um…ok, then…what's the second thing?" Sandy inquired.

"If I inadvertently start to grope someone, please feel free to conk me on the head."

"Sure thing," Sandy acknowledged, now grinning as well.

"I suppose we should snap your brother out of his stupor now."

"Yeah."

And so they did, awakening the hamster who would now watch Maxwell like a hawk.


	2. Preparations

Author's note: I just want to extend my thanks for the positive reviews I have received thus far. Be sure to let me know how I'm doing. :)

**Chapter Two**

"S-S-Stan! I-I-I'm fr-fr-freezing in h-h-here!"

"That's kind of the point, Max. Can't have you going around like a total horndog, right?"

Earlier, Maxwell and the twins ran into a notable problem while designing the loincloth. No matter how long, wide, or thick the material they utilized, the item meant to cover Maxwell's obscene visual would end up looking like a cotton mountain. Obviously, the "inflation" had to be reduced somehow. So Stan, having since recovered from his initial shock and reverted to his calm, collective self, suggested cooling off Maxwell; but the method to doing so was not the standard "cold shower" technique. Not even close. Instead, Maxwell was coerced into a cruel and unusual torture device: A mundane, plastic cup filled with chunks of ice and freezing water, constantly blown upon by a tiny little fan set to hurricane levels. All these elements combined to pitch Maxwell into an artificial Blizzard, chilling the poor hamster down to the bone, never mind his equipment.

"Are you sure this'll work, bro?" Sandy inquired Stan, as the two watched the bookworm suffer like a sinner in Satan's abode.

"I do this all the time, sis," the twin brother replied, "I hang out with lots of cute ham-chicks in my spare time, so I gotta keep the hormones down 'til I get the chance to score!"

One could almost hear the needle of a record player swerve wildly off the track. "Score?! What do you mean, 'Score!?'" Sandy exclaimed, her suspicion of Stan's habits spiked to the Nth degree.

Stan hesitated, realizing he trapped himself in a nasty corner. "Well…um…to score means to win one's affection!" He finally sputtered.

Sandy managed to calm down a smidgen. "Oh…for a moment there I thought you meant something else."

The tiger-striped brother laughed nervously, scratching the fur behind one of his ears. "Yeah, I had you going there, didn't I?"

"So…how many times have you scored?" 

More hesistation. "Um…I can't really say-"

"Why not?"

Stan's fur became moist with his nervous sweat. If there is anything in the world, ANYTHING that he couldn't say to his own sister, it is how many times he has achieved the subject matter of a "pleasurable dream" in real life. Depending on the number, it could result in endless ridicule or never-ending punishment. Fortunately, Stan avoided this consequence when Maxwell cried out "G-G-GUYS! I-I-I C-C-AN'T FEEL MY L-L-LEGS!"

"Oh, no!" Sandy exclaimed. "Like, we gotta get him out of there!"

At once, the Hamster twins rushed over to the cup, pulling the shivering Maxwell out of the cup and laying him flat on the floor. The bookworm gasped eagerly, attempting to obtain as much warm air into his lungs as possible.

"So cold…so cold," Maxwell whispered meekly.

"Oh, Max…I knew this would be too much," Sandy said, holding the bookworm's paw intently while glaring at her brother. Stan ignored this, however, for a certain object had instantaneously grabbed his attention.

"Max…you're not going to believe this," Stan said.

"What?" Maxwell asked weakly.

"Your THING hasn't shrunk an inch!"

"WHAT!?"

Maxwell bent his head upwards, catching (much to his dismay) the sight of his organ sticking up like a rock-solid tower. His noggin plopped back to the ground as tears began to form in his beady eyes.

"I froze like a popsicle for nothing!" The freezing bookworm sobbed.

"Well, it was worth a shot," Stan said, shrugging, "But we still have our back-up plan. Sandy, we're gonna need a whole lotta tape."

Many, many inches of invisible adhesive tape later, the bulge underneath the cream-colored loincloth finally had been reduced to an unnoticeable level. In fact, the attire looked less like a loincloth and more like the typical apron of a shopkeeper, just like the one a certain, squinty-eyed hamster wears in the company of his own kind. If nothing else, it gave Maxwell the perfect excuse for wearing the cloth: imitation as a form of flattery.

"Not too bad, Max," Stan complimented, "The color goes well with your belly fur."

"I suppose this'll have to suffice," said Maxwell, wincing slightly, "But did you have to use so much tape? It feels like it's being squeezed to death!"

"Yeah, Stan, you can't even, like, see his thingie anymore!" Sandy added.

"Max's gonna be around three of hottest ham-chicks in town at the clubhouse. That would, like, send his hormones to the roof!" Stan stated, "Without all that tape he'd go off like a dog!"

"Yes," Maxwell agreed, "We can't be too prudent."

**********

'So," the reader may ask at this point, "Just who are the three hot hamster chicks Stan was talking about?" Well, one of those females have already been revealed (Stan's sister, Sandy.) But the athletic, out-going sister of the tiger-striped twins is merely a taste of the hot, sexy trio of hamster gals Maxwell must resist "contacting."

There's Pashmina, for instance. Sporting a lovely, pink scarf and a cute, bubbly personality, she is like the shy girl from next door, complete with all the sensitivities. She would be easy fodder for constant flirts if it weren't for the fact that several males are constantly fighting for her attention, thus making her indecisive as far as romance is concerned. But one would never know when she might grow sick of all the fuss and go for someone who's normally docile. But that would NEVER happen, right? Besides, she knows Maxwell's relations with Sandy…but it may be Maxwell who would make the first move in this case, especially if Pashmina unintentionally sets off a hormonal rush.

And Bijou. Oy vey…if Pashmina is the cute girl next door, then Bijou is the seductive French maid with the jaw-dropping figure (ooh-la-la!). Sophisticated, pampered, and blessed with a notable absence of snobbish behavior, the all-white female with the slight French accent is hotter than boiling magma. Her romantic relations are about as stable as the San Andreas fault: she is constantly pursued by a gruff field hamster who's too shy to reveal his love directly, and she pursues the love of a hamster who is completely clueless as far as romance is concerned, nevermind the birds and the bees. She might actually submit to Maxwell if she was desperate enough for someone mature AND direct.

Ah, who the heck are we kidding? Anyone knows that these hamster girls (except for Sandy, perhaps) would most likely run in terror from a sex-crazed male on the brink of bursting…and poor, misunderstood Maxwell would have to bear the full wrath of the hamster boys…especially the brawny field hamster, who could toss the bookworm around like a rag doll if he wanted to.

All Maxwell can do is suppress his instincts and hope for the best. And, of course, avoid staring at the hamster girl's particular areas of sensitivity. 


	3. The nicopatch Technique

AUTHOR'S NOTE: And so, the story continues. You can imagine how hard it is to keep this below PG-13. :) If you review though, please answer this: Should the story be given an R rating, so that the story's subject can be more thoroughly explored and exploited, or is the PG-13 rating just fine? (Don't even THINK about suggesting I should turn this into a quickie lemon, however. The story has a lot more going for it.)

**CHAPTER THREE**

"No! I don't want to go!"

"C'mon, Max! We've made it this far! Don't chicken out now!"

Not too long ago, the hamster intellectual and the tiger-striped hamster twins were traveling in the subterranean tunnels towards the underground clubhouse. However, after three-quarters of the trip was done and gone, Maxwell's analytical mind concocted the most absolute, terrifying, spine-tingling scenarios of what could happen if he found himself completely seduced by an unsuspecting female hamster. Needless to say, Maxwell panicked like a triple-K member at an all-black convention and attempted to run away to the nearest corner to curl up into a ball and whimper. Of course, Sandy and Stan took the liberty of incapacitating Maxwell's upper limbs, that way the bookworm would be dragged to the clubhouse, kicking and screaming, for the remainder of the journey.

"Like, you have to think positive, Maxy!" Sandy said, as the trio approached the final stretch to the clubhouse. "You're a hamster, not a rabbit!"

"Positive? What's left to be positive about?!" Maxwell wailed, "There's no way I can control my hormones in there! I'll be conceiving bastard litters for sure!"

"If that was true, then you'd have done it by now," Stan pointed out, "But you're, like, _way_ too ethical for that."

"That's because I had the sense to _stay in my cage, dammit!"_

_Woah__…I never heard Maxy swear before, Sandy thought, __he must **really** be stressed out about his thingie._

By this time, the door to the clubhouse came into full view, being just a few feet away from the trio of rodents. Maxwell's squirming jumped tenfold, forcing Sandy and Stan to amplify their hold on his limbs.

"I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!" Maxwell pleaded.

The bookworm's resistance grew to such an extreme that the hamster twins had to pin him down entirely, forcing the group to stop. 

"C'mon, Max! Stop acting so chicken!" Stan snapped, "Nothing bad is going to happen!"

"How do _you _know?" Maxwell retorted.

"I just do! I mean…we did all we could to reduce the swelling, we got you a loincloth like you asked…You have _nothing to worry about!"_

"You're wrong! All of what was done before was in vain! I'll become a monster in that clubhouse, loincloth or no loincloth!"

Stan was at a loss. Maxwell, now unnaturally stubborn, could not be convinced to go into the clubhouse even if he was bribed with a lifetime's supply of sunflower seeds. Forcing the bookworm would most likely give him a heart attack, seeing how terrified Maxwell was of himself.

_What's gonna get this guy to go in?_ Stan pondered.

That question, fortunately, was answered when Maxwell's girlham suddenly engaged in an unusual line of questioning towards the intellectual.

"Maxy…you're a guy, right?"

The inquiry caught Maxwell completely off-guard. "What? Oh…well, yes."

"What is it that every guy wants the most?"

Maxwell hesitated. "They want…they want…"

"What guys want most is a mate," Sandy answered for her boyham, "Not food, not shelter, but a mate. No matter how nice they are on the outside, deep down they're all pigs. Some just have a harder time keeping it to themselves."

"But Sandy…I can't keep it to myself in my current condition," Maxwell pointed out.

"So what?" Sandy replied, "Like, you think you're the only one with that kind of problem? You have no idea how many pervs I have to clobber every day just to keep their dirty hands off me!"

"You mean there are others who ate the blue diamonds too?"

Sandy tried her best to stifle her small chuckle. "No, Maxy…they, like, choose to be like that, 'cause they got nothing else going for them."

The tiger-striped female leaned over Maxwell. "But you…you're smart, noble, gentle…you have everything going for you. You _will beat this, You just have to try."_

It felt like an eternity before Maxwell finally replied, "Alright. I'll go in. But we must take every precaution."

"No problem, Max. We got you covered," Stan reassured.

Helping the bookworm back onto his feet, the trio of rodents now walked peacefully towards the clubhouse door. Stan gave the entrance three hard knocks; minutes later a small, orange-white hamster imbued with optimistic glee answered, his eyes wide open in ecstasy.  

"Sandy! Stan! Welcome back! And Maxwell! Long time no see! How are you?"

"I'm doing well," Maxwell replied nervously.

"Can we come in?" Sandy asked.

"Sure!" Hamtaro answered.

Inside the clubhouse, Maxwell found that very little had changed in the past three days. The floor still had a layer of smooth, green carpeting; the walls of earth retained their cavernous shape and texture; the piles of hay beds still lay in the corner; and the large, signature discussion table still stood in the center where the following hamsters sat slumped in the chair, sleeping like babies:

Dexter…a self-styled nobleham who wears a bowtie. Howdy…a shameless comedian with a southern accent who sports the signature apron of his owner's general store. Boss…the resident field hamster who acts tough but is actually quite sensitive. Penelope…the cutest hamster toddler in the known universe, flawed only by a one-word vocabulary. And, of course, the two hot vixens known as Bijou and Pashmina. 

"So, why's everyone conked out?" Stan asked Hamtaro, as the four hamsters approached the dreamland surveyors.

"Aw…we just ran out of ideas when a lot of the ham-hams had to leave early, so we got bored. Boss and I hung on for awhile, but then he zoned out too when he started to look at Bijou funny."

"Funny" was an understatement, for Boss looked like a freakish mannequin with oversized, beady eyes, along with the incriminating stream of drool flowing out of the corner of his mouth. Sandy, for reasons that are blatant to the extreme, scowled at this primal display of lust, and gave the "romantically deprived" field hamster a devastating bitch-slap to his cheek. Boss yelped from the rude awakening, grabbing hold of his throbbing face, while the three witnesses recoiled in fear of the vengeful female.

"Ow…who did that?" Boss said, slightly disoriented from the blow, "Oh…er, hi Sandy! I didn't know you came back!"

"And it's a good thing I came back, or else you'd probably drown Bijou in your drool." Sandy said, still giving Boss a dirty look, which caused the field hamster to blush a cherry red in shame.

_Oh dear…I didn't know __Sandy__ was so swift in discipline, Maxwell thought, _And___ to think I was under pressure **before I knew this!**_

"Ah-heh-heh…say, how about we wake everyone up now?" Hamtaro said nervously, as small beads of sweat trickled down the side of his head.

Those who were awake hastily agreed to this, and set about to release the sleepers from their slumber:

"Oui…my beauty sleep has ended."

"Ook…wee? Ookwee!"

"Not yet…I'm still so sleepy…"

"Odeley…I was having a good snooze, too."

"Not yet mommy…just five more minutes…Hey, you're not my mother!"

Now there was a group of ten hamsters, four of them girls and six of them boys. Eventually, they would go about to engage in pleasant sport…but first, one teeny tiny little question had to be eradicated from their general conscious, which was best summarized by scarf-bearer Pashmina when she asked, "Maxwell, why are you wearing that apron?"

"Huh? Hey, you ARE wearing an apron!" Boss exclaimed.

"Are you trying a new fashion?" The white-furred frenchie inquired, "I like how it blends with your belly fur so well!"

The bookworm's nervousness spiked to unbearable levels, paralyzing his bones and muscles. His growing mood of panic effectively killed off any memory of his planned façade for his "tiny" problem, thereby leaving him with nothing but the cold, hard truth that would surely penetrate into the darkest, most disturbing corners of their minds. Had not Sandy and Stan intervened to rescue him, poor Maxwell would've screamed and run off like a decapitated chicken.

"Max just felt like trying something new," Stan answered.

"And he, like, _loves _Howdy's apron so much, he went and made an apron for himself! Right, Maxy?"

Maxwell began to relax again. Sort of. "Yeah, that's right! I've always admired aprons!" he confirmed a little _too enthusiastically._

Howdy, his ego boosted, smirked in Maxwell's direction. "Well, Max, if ya wanted an apron so badly ya coulda asked for one of mine. I got lots of them! But still, I'm plenty flattered."

"Oh, for pete's sake, Howdy!" Dexter exclaimed, "It is the apron he admires, not you!"

"Shut your trap, Dexter!" Howdy snapped, "You're just green with envy because Maxwell likes aprons more than your preppy little bowtie!"

"How dare you accuse me of such childish thoughts! I'm not the one blowing up my ego over an insignificant garment such as yours!"

"Alright, that's it! You're asking for it!"

The two rivals prepared to charge each other, revving up for the testosterone-drenched, royal rumble that almost always occurs between two members of a love triangle. But before one could crush the other with the trademarked "People's Elbow," The rest of the hams separated the two and helped to calm the two bulls down. Pashmina, as always, looked at the rivals for her affection with dismay.

"Ok, Ham-hams, listen up!" Hamtaro announced, once the hostility had died off, "I know we couldn't come up with anything before, but now that Sandy, Stan, and Maxwell are here, maybe _they can think of something!"_

The group turned towards the trio, who understandably appeared uneasy. "What's it gonna be, hams?" Boss asked them.

"Um, could you guys give us a minute?" Stan asked, as he signaled the other two to huddle for the plan.

"Sure thing! Just try not to take too long," answered Hamtaro.

The twins and the bookworm gathered in a tiny circle, speaking in whispers as the rest of the group watched in curiosity:

**STAN: **Listen, you two…We've got to make this as normal as possible. They can't get the slightest idea that something's wrong, or else Maxwell's screwed.

**MAXWELL: **Gee, you have such an interesting choice of words-

**STAN: **You know what I meant!

**SANDY****: Well, what _can we do? We can't play any ball games because Maxwell could, like, get injured._**

**MAXWELL: **Whatever we choose, it will have be low on physical activity.

**STAN**: *groans* Are you telling me we should play _card games_ all day? They might as well go back to sleep! No…we have to do something more interesting…and I have just the game.

**SANDY****: What game is that, bro?**

**STAN: **The only one they'll want to play for more than five minutes…ever heard of "Spin The Bottle?"

**MAXWELL**: What!? Are you insane!? I thought we were trying to _avoid seduction!_

**SANDY****: Yeah, bro! That just isn't smart!**

**STAN: **Max can't hide from the girls forever, Sandy. That just ain't healthy. If he's really loaded with lust, he can let it out in small amounts instead of just letting it explode like an A-bomb. You can't go wrong with the "nico-patch" technique. You up for it, Max?

**MAXWELL**: *Grumble* While I think you're just adding fuel to the fire, at this point I'm desperate enough to try your freakish ideas again. I'll give it a go, but if find myself yodeling in someone's valley lane then I'm leaving!

**STAN:** Ok then…just try to lay off on those innuendos, ok?

**MAXWELL:** Oh…sorry about that.

"Ok, ham-dudes," Stan announced, breaking the huddle, "Who's up for a game of 'Spin the Bottle?'"


	4. When Romance Games Become Riotous

**Author's Note: **I must apologize for the incredibly long wait for this chapter. Having fun in the first few weeks of summer vacation always tends to slow things down for awhile. But, summer reading aside, I should now have plenty of free time to ensure that my work comes out in smaller intervals. Let me know what you think of the story so far, and feel free to speculate on how the story will conclude, for this story will be ending soon.

**Chapter Four**

Humans, being the usually sophisticated mammals that they are, have very creative qualities when it comes to courtship. Though they are still heavily influenced by bulging biceps and seductive pheromones, the bi-pedal spin-off of monkeys, gorillas, etc. has utilized music, poetry, candy, and even "body performance enhancers" in order to win the ideal companion to raise a family (or to just get laid, depending on who you ask.) However, not everything is just peaches and cream in the world of romance.

Younger generations are typically denied of this pleasure by the elderly. This is because jumping into the hibbity-jibbity too early can cause a whole smorgasbord of complications. But the "kiddies" always find ways to sidestep these regulations. How, one may ask? By taking well-recognized children's games and discreetly inserting a little more "naughtiness" in the rules. Some games, such as "Dirty Dice," have yet to catch on. Others, such as "Doctor," have spread throughout the youthful underground like wildfire. It is without a doubt, however, that the absolute, most popular romance game in the known world is the infamous "Spin-The-Bottle." It is the bane of parents everywhere, who go to extreme lengths to break up any session of this frisky activity.

_The author is now risking life and limb to dispel all the delicious details of this risqué game. Those who are newly enlightened: Use this knowledge at your own risk!_

All of the players sit arranged in a circle. At the center of this circle is the all-important bottle, or some other spin-able object with some bare representation of a point. One lucky player gets to set the bottle on its dizzying way. Once that bottle ends its series of rotations, whoever it is pointing to is the one the spinner gets to _kiss!_ Then, when the embrace is over and done with, the prize becomes the spinner, and the procedure repeats itself ad infinitum.

The game is popular not just because of its simplicity; it is also the social Quaker. Sparks fly, mouths are violated, and embarrassment spreads like the plague in just one session! So it makes sense that "Spin-The-Bottle" is the embraced not only by young humans but by their domesticated pets as well. Not that anyone would be expected to believe that.

**********

"Round and round and round it goes; when it will stop, nobody knows!"

So went the playful chanting of Stan, who bore a devilish smile when he spun the sunflower seed in the middle. Being the one who suggested the romance game, the tiger-striped flirt earned first dibs on the spinning role. This, of course, sent pangs of fear through more than a few of the other hamster males. Boss, in particular, kept grabbing his chest, fearful of a heart attack upon seeing Stan laying his sweet love on the French hottie, Bijou. She and the other females –save for Penelope- certainly couldn't escape the guy's aura of anxiety, so they quietly prayed that Sandy's twin brother would behave himself. Out of all the hamsters, only Hamtaro showed actual signs of relaxation, due to his ever-present optimism and cutesy innocence.

In the meantime, poor Maxwell was dealing with his own unique problem. The tape that enveloped his organ began to severely irritate the skin, invoking the most inconvenient of itches. He could not scratch it, lest he wanted to be labeled as a dirty, indecent hamster, so for the moment he had to resort to squeezing the side of his torso like a rubber stress reliever, thereby nullifying the itch with considerable pain. He tried to keep his mind off his inevitable fate, hoping that he'd at least be paired up with his girlham first.

The sunflower seed slowed its rotation until it finally pointed to the lucky winner…

"Pashmina, baby! Today's your lucky day!" Stan proclaimed.

The scarf-bearer's stomach twisted into knots. Having never played a romance game before, this would be her first time to kiss the lips of a male. The fact that Dexter and Howdy's glares screamed bloody murder certainly didn't help to make this minor loss of innocence just minor.

Stan suavely stepped up to his prize, stopping mere inches before her face. "Don't worry, gorgeous," he said to Pashmina, "I don't bite."

The female hamster forced a small laugh, gulping right afterwards as her body shook with anxiety. "I'm ready," She peeped.

Like a natural smoothie, Stan slightly tilted his head as his lips gently pressed against those of the scarf-bearer. They froze in position for only a moment, absorbing each other's taste, until an overwhelmed Pashmina pushed the seductor away. Stan was perplexed at this reaction, at first, but then he smirked when he caught sight of the kiss-ee's bright red cheeks.

"Pretty intense, eh Pashmina?" The flirt said, pleased that he still had awesome Mojo.

The scarf-bearer could only blush further, for she couldn't find that words that describe the sensation that had electrified her entire body.

"Are you ok, Pashmina?" Sandy asked, "You look awfully shocked."

"I…I hadn't done that before," Pashmina softly confessed.

The majority of the hamster group glared at the self-proclaimed chick magnet, raining upon him hails of guilt one would normally receive for "rocking the cradle," and rightly so.

"Hey, don't take it so hard," Stan said to Pashmina, attempting to soothe her awkward emotions, "It's only a game. Just think of it as a chance to get some lip practice. Now, how about spinning that sunflower seed?"

The romance rookie reluctantly agreed to this, rising from her spot in the circle as Stan claimed it as his own. And thus began a typical game of spin-the-bottle.

Besides that initial moment of "Innocence Lost," things proved uneventful for awhile. Pashmina locked lips with Hamtaro, who smooched with Sandy, who pressed her mouth against Boss' mouth. Up to this point, no one had any objections to these momentary pairings since none of them showed significant advances to each other. However, the heat in the clubhouse significantly turned up when the field hamster's spin of the bottle yielded Bijou as his reward.

_Damn, _Stan thought, _Looks like Boss' dream is gonna become a reality…assuming he doesn't faint first._

Boss' emotions tumbled head-over-heels, unable to decide on whether he should be ecstatic or petrified. In mere minutes, he was going to physically embrace the deepest crush he ever had in his life. How was he going to make this memorable? He had no idea on how he was supposed to kiss her. If he didn't put his passion in it, the French rodent would never know his feelings. Then again, too much passion may elicit his second bitch-slap of the day, an act of rejection that would surely bring thoughts of diving into a vat of battery acid. 

"What is wrong, Boss?" Bijou asked, noticing the tremendous stress in the field hamster's eyes, "Are you not comfortable with this?"

Boss barely sputtered his answer: "Um…well…I've not really gone through the motions before…you know?"

"What do you mean? You just kissed Sandy, no?"

"Well…um…"

"Do not worry, Boss," Bijou replied in return, glowing with her cute little smile, "I have not been kissed before, so I wouldn't know how it _should_ be done. You should not be so hard on yourself."

Boss nearly keeled over upon hearing this little morsel of information. _Holy crap! She's a VIRGIN?! Ma-hah-ba-hah-ba-ma…_

"Boss, you're starting to look sick," Hamtaro pointed out, expressing his concerns for others as he usually does, "Maybe you should take a breather or something."

"Oh, no, no, no, Hamtaro," Boss insisted, "I'm perfectly fine!"

"Then why haven't you kissed Bijou yet?"

"I'm getting to it, ok?!"

The field hamster, now a nervous wreck, inched towards the awaiting white-coat Frenchie. Tensions mounted as all eyes focused on the pair that would soon lock lips. Dexter and Howdy secretly placed bets on whether Boss would faint before or after the embrace. The others prayed that the match-up would go without incident. And young Penelope had no freakin' idea what all the hub-bub was about.

"Hey, Boss, get it over with while we're young!" Howdy said, who grew tired of the field hamster's sluggish steps.

Boss, under normal circumstances, would've pinned Howdy in a headlock for that outburst. However, at the moment he was too damn scared to care. The only things in his mind now were three important words: _Don't screw up._

At last, Boss managed to approach Bijou as close as he could possibly get. He looked down at the Frenchie before him (his height is nearly double the height of Bijou's) and gulped. She looked up to the field hamster, saw how nervous the male rodent was, and smiled empathetically at his silliness. 

"It is only a kiss, Boss," Bijou reminded him.

"Right," He replied weakly.

The moment had arrived. Bijou tilted her head slightly upwards, preparing herself to receive Boss' tender kiss. The tension stole away everyone's breaths, reducing the clubhouse to a dead silence. The field hamster, gently holding Bijou by the sides, began to close the gap. Inches became centimeters, centimeters, and then…

THUD!

"Darn," Dexter cursed, as he signed away the rights for tomorrow's stash of Sunflower seeds to Howdy.

Yes, it is true. Just when the participants of the romance game were about to see the initial phases of some red-hot, Boss-on-Bijou action, the poor bloke lost all consciousness, destroying yet another chance for the field hamster to reveal his true feelings to Bijou. Now the poor female is starting to feel unwanted. Well, that is soon to be remedied, due to the fast pace that "Spin-the-Bottle" possesses. 

"Well, despite that Boss has dropped like a sack of potatoes," Stan said to Bijou, "You still get a chance to spin the sunflower seed. Give it a whirl, eh?"

Bijou got up, walked around the unconscious field hamster, and approached the seed in the center. With one paw she set off the seed into its countless rotations. Spun well it did, until it finally rested upon the next lucky male to be romantically embraced…

Maxwell.

The intellectual's eyes popped wide open as the grip on his stomach quadrupled. Sandy and Stan watched this reaction with much anticipation. Being fortunate enough to sit next to each other in the circle, the tiger-striped twins whispered to each other these words:

"This is it, Sandy. If he can do this without losing control, he'll stop worrying so much about his problem."

"Maxy doesn't look very confident."

"He hasn't been confident all morning."

"Yeah, but if he's not confident he won't have the willpower to stay at first base."

"We'll see. If it gets out of hand, we'll have to break it up."

Bijou walked up to the bookworm. "You aren't going to faint too, are you, Maxwell? I was hoping that someone could kiss me today."

"Um, er…are you sure it's pointing to me?" Maxwell responded, "It doesn't look like it's pointing to me. I think it's pointing more towards…um…Hamtaro! Yeah, that's right!"

"Hamtaro is on the other side of the circle."

Maxwell's heart began to palpitate. "Oh, right! Heh."

Bijou advanced even closer. "Please try to relax. It is only a game, no?"

The tape hidden beneath Maxwell's apron began to tear as his arousal meter reached critical mass. 

"Well, I won't make the same mistake as before," Bijou said, as she thrust her mouth forward to embrace Maxwell's lips, catching the intellectual completely off-guard.

 For the briefest of moments, Maxwell's thoughts declared war between reason and instinct, debating on how he should proceed. Civil discourse fought with the sensation of merging flesh. And then, his decision was finally reached when the following words passed through his conscience:

_Ah, the hell with it!_

Before Bijou had a chance to pull away, Maxwell obtained a strong grasp upon her sides. The Frenchie gasped as the bookworm rolled on top of her, pressing against her feminine attributes as Bijou's mouth was explored by the intellectual's tongue. The feeling of the ominously large bulge below the waist made Maxwell's intentions as clear as vodka, causing the white-coated hamster to panic as she started to squirm underneath his weight.

A loud, collective gasp was heard from the whole of the clubhouse, before Sandy and Stan finally came to their senses and rushed to pry Maxwell off the horrified Frenchie.

"Maxwell, get a hold of yourself! Don't you know you have a girlfriend?!" Sandy exclaimed, as the bookworm wrapped himself tighter around Bijou, resisting the twins' pull.

Soon enough, just about everyone (except for the unconscious Boss) pitched in the rescue attempt, one half pulling the horrified Bijou and the other half pulling the sex-crazed Maxwell. After many minutes of agony, the Frenchie was finally freed from the bookworm's grasp; but it did not make her any happier.

"You…you fiend!" Bijou cried, glaring at the hamster who attempted to get jiggy with her, "Out of all I know, I would never expect you to…to…How could you do that to me?!"

Maxwell, who finally realized what he had nearly done, felt the contents of his stomach churn like butter. "Please…please let me expl-"

"What is there to explain about? I thought you were a nice hamster, but now I see you're nothing more than a pervert! I can't believe I had ever considered you as a friend!"

Maxwell's legs began to shake as he was overwhelmed with the sudden rush of guilt. Sandy and Stan watched the spectacle with much dismay, knowing that all of their hard work had just been blown out of the water. This was all confirmed when Bijou made the following proclamation:

"Now I consider you my _loverboy!_"

Déjà vu occurred as the whole of the clubhouse was once again enveloped in a shocking gasp. The twins' jaws dropped like stones. Pashmina fainted. Hamtaro and Penelope were left utterly confused. Dexter and Howdy grabbed their throbbing hearts. And Boss was blissfully unaware of everything so far, due to the fact that he was still unconscious.

Maxwell, however, was just plain shocked. "Bijou, what're you saying?! I had nearly engaged in non-consensual intercourse with you!"

"But Maxy," Bijou said, using the pet name that was supposed to be for Sandy's usage only, "It…it felt so good! I was a bit surprised at first, yes, but now I see what your girlham saw in you! Now I want more!"

The Frenchie suddenly dived right at Maxwell, a move that elicited a high-pitched yelp as he dodged the incoming pounce. Unfortunately, he could not avoid the desperate female hamster entirely, which resulted in the hasty removal of his apron _and_ the tape suppressing his organ, thereby revealing his hard-on for the whole of the clubhouse to see. For the third time that day the whole of the clubhouse gasped. Now it was Dexter and Howdy's turn to fall to the ground like sacks of oats, while Bijou became absolutely ecstatic.

"Oh, Maxwell! I never knew how much you wanted me! Give it to me NOW!" the Frenchie cried happily as she once again pounced.

Maxwell barely avoided the "advance" as he opted to run out of the clubhouse while screaming like a ninny, while the insane hamster de femme, driven mad by the hormonal rush, hurried after him in hot pursuit. Sandy, Stan, Hamtaro, Penelope, and four unconscious hamsters were inevitably left behind in the process.

"I don't know whether I should pummel you, or Bijou." Sandy said threateningly to Stan as her eyes began to spark with flame.

Stan, not wishing to be the recipient of a devastating smack-down, quickly turned to Hamtaro. "Say, could you keep an eye on Penelope while Sandy and I try to stop Bijou and Maxwell from mating? Things are going to get seriously messed up if those two get their freak on."

"Uh…sure," Hamtaro managed to peep.

"Thanks! Gotta jet!" Stan burst out, as he and her sister rushed after the sex-crazed maniacs.

Hamtaro walked over to Penelope. "You have any idea what's going on?" He said to the toddler.

"Ookwee," Penelope responded sadly.

"Neither do I…Oh, look! I think Boss is coming to! Maybe he can explain it to us!"


	5. Oxnard's Uneventful Walk

**Author's Note:** Jeez, I could use some discipline in managing my pet projects with the work that determines my social worth. It certainly doesn't help that I tend to work on stories one at a time, so whenever I do work on one, the other story in development inevitably gets delayed.

But enough of my excuses. I just hope you enjoy the chapter regardless of the ridiculous delay. Whether you do or you don't, be sure to let me know what's working and what's not. 

One more thing: I humbly thank the reading public for not coercing "upper management" to remove my humble story. :)

**Chapter 5**

Deep within the ground, a somewhat plump hamster merrily strolled through the corridors. A recent feast with his owner had instilled this happy mood, so he was making his way to the clubhouse to offer his fellow hamster pals all the scrumptious details of his rich, hearty meal, as well as some of the leftovers. So cheerful he was, in fact, that a passing glance would've easily missed the more timid aspects of his personality. Walking alone didn't rank high on things he likes to do.

To help quicken the walk, the hamster sung a tune for his personal entertainment: 

"Heke, heke, heke,

my girlham's gone astray?

I really need to find her

So we can sack the hay!"

Oxnard, as he was called by friends and family normally wouldn't sing such raunchy tunes. However, recent thoughts of his deep crush from the rural district had shed some of his depravity into the open. Gentle-hearted as Oxnard is, he couldn't help to keep a few instinctive urges from materializing in his tongue. Still, he was too ashamed to sing Stan's jingle anywhere in public, so the dirty ditty was strictly a private affair.

"Oh, Rebecca, if only you weren't so far away," Oxnard sighed, "It would be great to scrubby-wubby with you."

His thoughts wandered further into fantasy, the legs now working mechanically as Oxnard's daydream slowly dropped into the forbidden zone, mingling with images of carrots, nuts, and strawberries. The vividness of the subconscious dream grew in disproportion to the plump hamster's grasp on reality. Had the sound of panicked running not caught his ears, he surely would've reached levels of detachment reserved for stoned hippies.

"Huh? Someone's coming!" Oxnard exclaimed, just when he reached third base.

From what could be seen and heard, an unseen entity was sprinting erratically through the tunnels and would be rounding the corner ahead of Oxnard at any given moment. His inherited fear of the unknown and the unexpected froze him in his tracks.

"Oh, I hope it's not the boogeyham," Oxnard eeped, as he pressed against the wall in a feeble attempt to hide. Anticipation induced shivers throughout his body, causing his buck-toothed mouth to clatter like a cackling skeleton.

"Whoever you are, I warn you I'm big and scary!"

The pitter-patter grew louder…and louder…and louder…until finally the entity rounded the corner, tripped, and crashed to the ground with a sudden yelp. Oxnard, naturally, recoiled in shock; but when he realized that the entity was actually the resident bookworm, the plump hamster breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, it's just you Maxwell, thank goodness!" Oxnard said happily, "You really scared me for a- WHOA!"

The greeting his friend once again recoiled, his eyes fixated on the notably large appendage extending from Maxwell's lower region.

"Maxwell…your…your…your…" Oxnard's breath completely escaped him as the bookworm regained his footing.

"Yes, yes, I know!" Maxwell exclaimed, his face drained of color, "Listen, I need you to do me a favor!"

"A f-f-favor?"

"Yes, a favor!" Maxwell shouted hysterically, "Bijou's gone mad and is following me in hot pursuit! It is imperative that you stall her as much as possible, or else bad things are going to happen! Got it? Good! Now I have to go!"

Maxwell immediately dashed down the hall, his fear feeding the fuel to his feet.

"Maxwell! What's going-!" Oxnard tried to call, but the bookworm had already sprinted well past earshot.

"Wow," Oxnard whispered to himself, "I've _never _seen a rodent run that fast."

Before Oxnard even gained a ghost of a chance to overcome his bewilderment, his ears picked up the casual trotting of a certain female hamster. 

"Oh, Maxwell, at last we are alone!" Bijou exclaimed, as she tackled Oxnard from behind, her lips slobbering for a French kiss.

"Ah, no, wait! Stop! You've got the wrong guy!" Oxnard cried, as Bijou wrestled him to the ground and rolled on top of his chubby body.

"Wha? You are not Maxwell! How dare you trick me!" Bijou exclaimed upon seeing Oxnard's panicked face. She punished the hamster by kneeing his pelvic area, a blow which twisted Oxnard's face with newly discovered pain as his voice achieved a pitch usually reserved for opera singers.

"Hmmph! Serves you right!" Bijou scolded, brushing herself off as she rose to her feet, "You should know better than to cheat on Rebecca."

At once Bijou dashed down the tunnel, calling for her illicit lover. Oxnard was left in a fetal position upon the ground, trying his best not to lose consciousness as he waited for the pain to subside.

"Ow," he eeped, "That really hurt…hey, I sound kinda like Maxwell now…weird."

Minutes passed, and the throbbing in his groin had finally began to minimize, when suddenly…

"Oh, no!"

A sudden scuffling of feet rushed to Oxnard's ears. The plump hamster turned his head. He discovered the hamster twins, Sandy and Stan, standing above him. Their faces were drenched in nervous worry.

"Man, Oxnard, you look _really_ messed up," Stan said, as the twins helped Oxnard to sit upright against the earthen wall. "What happened?"

"Bijou kicked me…in my sensitive place," Oxnard eeped, evoking a sympathetic cringe from Stan.

"Like, that's so _wrong_! Why did she do that?" Sandy asked.

'It…happened so fast…Bijou tackled me and forced me to the ground…it was horrible! And then she accused me of cheating on Rebecca! I wouldn't cheat on her! Never! Nev-!"

"Whoa, settle down there, Oxnard," Stan interrupted, sensing the gradual hysteria in the plump hamster's voice (not to mention its newly acquired pitch,) "Ya don't want to get an aneurysm."

"Never mind that!" Sandy exclaimed, her manner now similar to an extremely pissed Super-Saiyan, "We gotta find that French maniac before she gets my boyham off!"

"Oh, right!" Stan said, suddenly growing very frightened, "Well, wegottagooxnardcya!"

The twins immediately rushed off into the forthcoming trail of tunnels, well before the plump could ask why Bijou was trying to put Maxwell's car in her garage.

"I thought she had the hots for Hamtaro," Oxnard mumbled to himself.

Deciding that he'd rather not see the results of this predicament, Oxnard opted to continue his walk to the clubhouse –albeit with a slight limp. Even if no one happened to be there, he could keep himself busy with his personal cache of sunflower seeds. In the meantime, his thoughts began to speculate on what Maxwell Bijou's illegitimate litters would look like.

"Brown coat with white spots? Nah. White coat with brown spots? Maybe. Couldn't be any stripes, though. Hmm…maybe a white coat with a brown underbelly? Or maybe-."

Oxnard cut himself short when his ears suddenly picked up a new pitter-patter of hamster feet. This sound, however, was not like the others, for it wasn't the soft skip of Bijou's nor the irregular, panicked flee of Maxwell. Instead, it hinted at the stomping charge of a dangerous brute on the warpath. This was well confirmed when the resident field hamster popped into view, proclaiming, with eyes of demonic flame, "_Prepare to die, you cheating bastard!"_

Oxnard instantly screamed like a little girl, which unfortunately is also a good description of Maxwell's shouts of fear. "Boss! Wait! It's me Ox-!"

He cut himself off with yet another scream as Boss sped up to him, picked him up by his neck region, and pinned him against the wall. The plump hamster could barely breathe as he struggled to escape Boss' clutches.

"Now, Maxwell," Boss said threateningly, as he pulled back one arm behind him, "You're gonna see what happens when you-…hey, waitaminute…grey fur? Oh crud, I got the wrong hamster!"

Boss promptly dropped Oxnard from the wall. The near-victim of assault and battery gasped in a deep breath of fresh air.

"Oxnard, I'm so sorry!" Boss exclaimed, "I thought you were Maxwell!"

The chubby hamster remained silent, too scared out of his wits to even move from the spot where he fell.

"You must be scared stiff now," the field hamster observed sadly, "I really am sorry, Oxnard. It's just…what Maxwell did…it's so terribly wrong! Not only is he cheating on Sandy, he's also stealing Bijou away from me. He, out of all people, should know I've been trying to get her attention for months! I never thought he could have such….audacity! Well, now he's going to pay for it! And pay BIG!"

And thus, like every other freakin' hamster encountered so far, he dashed off into the tunnels, leaving Oxnard overwhelmed like every freakin' other time. This time, however, the plump hamster got the nice bonus of having his heart trying to break out of its ribcage.

"Gaaah! I can't take it anymore!" Oxnard burst, once summoning the energy to jump to his feet. "I'm going to run all the way to the clubhouse and I'm not stopping for ANYBODY!"

And so Oxnard ran like hell…until he collapsed and tripped about twenty seconds later, landing flat upon his face.

"Too…tired...yet…must…go…on…" the chubby rodent said between gasps, dragging himself with his pudgy forepaws as though the lower half of his body just became paralyzed.

"Gasp…the door…so close…yet…so far…"

At last, the pudgy hamster rolled onto his back, coughed, gagged, and then promptly lost consciousness…only to be shoved back into reality when an organic, yellow cannonball knocked open the door, launched into the air, and landed square onto Oxnard's doughy belly. The cannonball then utilized Oxnard's guts as a trampoline, bouncing up and down happily with shouts of "Ookwee" as Oxnard grunted in pain, praying that the cruel and unusual torture would stop soon. Fortunately, a second entity emerged from the clubhouse, playing the part of savior.

"Penelope, stop! You're hurting Oxnard!" Hamtaro exclaimed.

The baby hamster stopped her hopping, rolling off Oxnard's belly. She "ookwee-ed" to Hamtaro, expressing confusion over why she shouldn't show her happiness for having more than one hamster to play with.

"Oxnard's hurt pretty bad, Penelope! We need to help him get better," Hamtaro answered.

"A seed…my kingdom for a seed," The half-dead hamster said meekly. Penelope "ookwee-ed" again, expressing disappointment.

"Don't worry Penelope, with Oxnard here with us we can play Doctor!" Hamtaro replied.

The organic cannonball squealed in delight, as Hamtaro began to drag the immobilized sack of fat through the entrance to the clubhouse.

"Wow! You sure are heavy, Oxnard!" Hamtaro commented, bright and cheery as ever.


	6. The Final Solution

**Author's Note**: This one's short but sweet. However, I have a gnawing feeling it may have broken the PG-13 barrier. Be sure to let me know, k?

And after this….The Epilogue! (Da-da-DUM!)

**Chapter 6**

"Hoo…hee…hoo…hee…"

For once in his life, the athletic, tiger-striped, self-proclaimed smoothie of the hamster-dom was reaching the peak of his endurance. His legs barely kept balance as he pushed himself to keep pace with the stampeding Death Incarnate that possessed his sister.

"Sandy…stop…I…can't breathe!" Stan wheezed, as his footing began to falter.

"Stop? We can't stop! If we don't stop Bijou, Maxwell's gonna be violated!" Sandy said angrily, "WE'RE NOT STOPPING!" 

The demonic outburst nearly caused the male twin to undergo a heart attack. Fortunately, the hamster settled for instantly shutting his piehole, with the exception of his inevitable wheezing.

_Oh man, I can't feel my legs! _Stan thought, as he clamped his teeth tightly to distract his mind from the pain.

And thus, the twins ran, ran, ran, ran, ran for much of the pursuit. When Stan started to collapse on frequent occasion, Sandy opted to drag the poor sap across the underground soil like a sack of potatoes (a piggy-back ride would've been awkward, considering their body structure as well as its similarity to…"other activities." *wink, wink*) Thus, Stan's fur coat gradually achieved an amount of dirt that would rival the interior of a septic tank. It was not until they heard a faint voice in the distance that Stan was finally freed from this torture, for Sandy had immediately loosened the grip on her brother as she dashed towards her unsuspecting prey.

_I'd recognize that cutesy voice anywhere! _Sandy thought, _She's__ going down!_

The predator rushed closer to the voice, its volume growing stronger as she got nearer, yet its words faint like a sorrowful spirit. Sandy figured these were sweet nothings, a reasoning that fueled her fury.

_Just ahead of that turn…then she's mine!_

Alas, had Sandy taken the time to listen to that voice, she might've noticed that no actual words were being uttered at all. Instead, it was the universal language of sobbing, spoken very fluently by the snow-white hottie, Bijou, as she sat against the earthly wall with waterfalls of salty tears flowing down her furry cheeks. Thus, when Sandy had burst into view and saw the dismal state of the French hamster, the vengeance was extinguished by guilt like a wooden match beneath Niagara Falls.

Sandy froze like a teenager at a strip club seeing Mom and Dad perform for the masses. _Whoa! What happened to her?_

Bijou, sensing Sandy's presence, looked up to her, wiping the moistened eyes. "Oh, Sandy, I am so sorry!" she wailed, before she literally jumped towards Sandy for a consoling hug. The tiger-striped female was too bewildered to reject this request for comfort.

"It was horrible, Sandy! I had caught up with your boyham –I am so sorry!- and I tried to seduce him –I am so sorry!- but when I tried to embrace him – so sorry, so sorry!- he pushed me to the ground and ran away from me! It was then I realized the horrible thing I was doing! I was trying to take something that didn't belong to me! I feel so horrible! So HORRIBLE!"

Bijou proceeded to bawl out her heart and soul, drenching Sandy with salty tears. 

"How could I lose control like that!?" Bijou sobbed. "Why must the miracle of love escape me where I go?! Why can't I find anyone that can truly make me HAPPY!? WAAAAH!"

_Geez__,_ and I thought she was upset when Hamtaro didn't recognize her ribbons.__

Sandy held Bijou close, letting the French hamster pour out her despair.

_Gosh darn it, Maxwell's gone too far! Why on earth is he, like, so **scared of mating? We've been courting for so long we're practically mates already! Ten minutes with just him and me in a private place and none of this would've happened! But nooooo…instead he, like, hides everything! And he expects that thing to swell down while the love of his life is around? As IF! **_

_It's about time I showed him the ropes…_

 "It's ok, Bijou. I won't hold it against ya." Sandy said to the French hamster. 

"You won't?" Bijou asked, as she sniffled.

"I think ANY female would feel aroused by what Maxwell did. Besides, you never did it before. It must've been a rush for you!"

"Yes…it was…but why did he do that with _me?"_

"He's kept his instincts down for far too long. The 'Spin-the-bottle' game kinda blew a fuse in him. I'm sure he's really sorry about it."

"Oh, Sandy, you are so lucky. You have a mature, loving boyfriend you call your own. If only Hamtaro was as mature!"

"I'm sure he'll get interested sooner or later. But have you, like, looked around lately? I know someone who'd give it all to please you."

"You mean-."

"Yeah. Why don't you ask?"

"But…he's so shy…"

"Just give him a chance. What's the worst that can happen?"

In a largely convenient way to change the action and get the show on the road, a rough, masculine voice called out from behind the girls. "Sandy! Where are you? Your brother's in sorry shape!"

"Oh, no! I forgot all about Stan!" Sandy exclaimed.

The two hamster girls ran back to the point where Stan's half-dead body had plopped to the ground. They found Boss, the field hamster, standing over the moaning carcass that laid on its back in agony.

"What on earth happened to him?" Boss said, not moving his gaze from Stan, "He looked like he was dragged for a mile in the dirt!"

"Well, it was something like that," Sandy said sheepishly, wishing she had not been possessed by demonic spirits.

"He's gonna need some –BIJOU!" 

Boss, glancing up as he talked, literally froze upon the realization that the French hottie was in his immediate presence. 

"B-Bijou…are….you ok?" He asked nervously.

"I am ok, Boss. Thanks for your concern. Things are better now. Maxwell's very sorry and he'll never do it again," Bijou answered, "Now, how about we head back to the clubhouse? I want a place to rest. Maybe you can keep me company?"

Boss could now be easily mistaken for a wax statue. "I….I….I…"

"You guys go ahead," Sandy said, "I think I'm going to go 'home' now. Could you take Stan with you? He looks like a zombie."

Stan groaned with approval. "Must…eat…seeds…"

Boss, unable to speak legibly, forced himself into silence. He picked up Stan by the forepaws, using his superior size to easily carry the pet rodent on his back. Without word he started on the trek back to the clubhouse, Bijou sticking close by.

"Now, to take care of Maxwell," Sandy said to herself, as she dashed in the opposite direction towards her own abode. 

*****

Back in his cage, the hysterical hamster intellectual had literally shut himself away from the rest of the known world. The sole entryway to his little bed in the miniature "house" in his cage was stuffed shut with a dozen issue's worth of magazine pages. Sure, it was getting stuffy, and he could barely breathe, but he was certain that the chances of him rhythmically sending a female to Browntown were now about nil.

At least, that what HE thinks…

Almost as soon as he had said that, the stuffing closing off Maxwell from the outside was dramatically ripped away from the entry hole. Light cast into the miniature "house" like a sea of luminescence. Maxwell was momentarily blinded, until his eyes adjusted. What he saw wasn't very pretty.

There, standing like the Angel of Death, was Sandy, dressed from head to toe in black, skin-tight leather. In place of the dancing ribbon she normally carried was the ominous presence of a long, vicious, leather whip. Maxwell's girlfriend, to say the least, had transformed herself from the sweet, athletic, valley girl, to the viciously sexy, sadomasochistic dominatrix.

"Hello, Maxy," Sandy said, "Guess you never thought I had primal urges as well, eh?"

"Oh, god…" 

"Seeing that we've been courting for so long, and we're now all alone, with no one to bother us, I felt I should give you a little introduction in the wonderful world of lovemaking," Sandy said playfully, "as well as show you what the TRUE bad side of it is."

"But…but-but-but-but-!"

"Quiet, slave! The lessons are about to begin!"

"Wait, Sandy! I'm n-n-not ready! Stop! What are you doing? Stop! STOP! AAAAAAHHHHH!"

The rest is best left to the imagination.


	7. Epilogue

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, "soon" is a very loosely used in this case. I must apologize for the very long wait. After much thought, this is what I came up with for an ending. Hopefully it will sate your desire for literature very well. :) Thanks to all who reviewed. I'm glad so many were able to enjoy it.

**EPILOUGE**

"Ahem…Ahem! If you're all seated, I shall begin."

Maxwell stood in fromt of a chalkboard, the words "AN EXPLANATION OF TODAY'S INCIDENT" in bold, white letters. Those attending this meeting – all who witnessed the near-violation of Bijou and the resulting chaos that had followed – had little to no comprehension of literacy, so the writing might as well have said "How I learned to stop worrying and love the premarital, hot, wild fornication with my girlfriend." What they DID understand, however, was that Maxwell – no longer wearing the loincloth since his obscene visual had mysteriously disappeared – had explaining to do, and he had a visual aid hidden beneath a piece of cloth to assist. 

There were a few who did not attend: Penelope, much too young for the topic; and Sandy, who, knowing all too well how the situation was remedied, agreed to keep the baby hamster entertained in another, far-off part of the clubhouse.

"As you all know," Maxwell began, "Today my conduct in the romance game was…less than civilized."

"It sure wasn't!" Howdy proclaimed, "You were as horny as a trumpet!"

The poorly executed joke earned the hamster with the southern accent a prompt bonk on the head by the field hamster, Boss, supplemented with icy glares from most of the others- except for Hamtaro, who is always confused on such manners. Howdy grumbled, but eventually caved in to the pressure and fell silent.

"Anyways," Maxwell continued, "I have already made my deepest apologies to Bijou, as you all witnessed a few minutes ago. I hope that forgiveness has been granted to me."

The hamsters confirmed this, especially the French sweetheart.

"I'm grateful," Maxwell said, slightly blushing, "Now, I must lay out my explanation.

"Four days ago, I had come across…this."

Lifting a tablecloth that happened to be covering the object of great mystery, he revealed a blue, diamond-shaped pill of hamster football size, the peculiar marking of "Pfzer" engraved on one side.  

"I, my friends, made the mistake of identifying this odd candy as a diamond of sugar," explained Maxwell, "I was so eager to indulge in such a cherished sweet that I had consumed it in whole without so much as a second thought. So you can imagine my shock and dismay when, minutes later, my…thing…became irreversibly solidified!"

Pashmina, the poor female hamster wearing the pink scarf, almost came under another fainting spell, despite Maxwell's gracious use of euphemism. Dexter and Howdy worked together to support her.

"Since then, up to a few hours ago I was under the curse of…well, you know…want to copulate," Maxwell said, now feeling awkward, "It was only today that Sandy and Stan found out about my problem and helped me to confront it….but, as you know, all those attempts backfired, the incident at the romance game being the worst of them. Not only did I lose control; I also unwittingly infected Bijou with the same fever, almost driving her mad with lust!"

This, of course, conveniently skipped over the fact that she was already having serious relationship problems that had exploded to titanic proportions with Maxwell's embrace. Thankfully, the other hamsters overlooked this omission and murmured emphatically for her suffering.

"It was only lucky that I stumbled on the solution to my problem," Maxwell said, "Thus, everything is back as it should be. Had I not, I wouldn't have survived the madness."

Stan raised an inquisitive paw. "Max, how exactly did you solve your problem?" He asked, a disturbing image gnawing at his conscience.

"Um…it's probably better that I don't tell you," the intellectual answered sheepishly.

"Max, I'd really like to know," Stan responded, growing more anxious.

"It's not something I can say in public with such sensitive minds about. You REALLY don't want to know," Maxwell reasoned, trying to sidestep the inevitable.

"Max…I HAVE to KNOW, ok?" Stan nearly growled, causing Maxwell to gulp the knot in his throat, before the intellectual finally sighed in defeat.

"Ok, I'll tell you," he said, "But I must whisper it to you."

Stan emerged from the group and stood in front of Maxwell, presenting his left ear for the information. Maxwell, after a long stretch of hesitation, began the story, doing his best to speak with as small amount of "bluntness" as possible. He detailed the leather, the lessons, the positions, and, suddenly growing very enthusiastic and not realizing he was starting to gloat about his sexual experience to his lover's own brother, he talked about how remarkably acrobatic, enduring, and "creative" Sandy was, especially with the male-dominant positions. Needless to say, Stan petrified like a statue, his face frozen in unspeakable horror, as he collapsed to the floor in silent shock, drool dripping from the side of his mouth. Maxwell's audience gasped at the sudden mental breakdown, but the intellectual was quick to calm them.

"As you can see, the solution was so terrible that it caused poor Stan to faint!" Maxwell said.

Stan would also slip into a manic depression for two days and be induced into chronic vomiting whenever he laid eyes on his sister, Sandy, the newly acquired mental images branded into his mind. Alas, no one possessed that kind of foresight.

"So, to conclude," Maxwell said, picking up the blue diamond with his forepaws, "If you ever come across this object, for the sake of everything that is good in this world, DON'T EAT IT!"

Almost as if on cue, a Hamster who had conveniently missed all of the events of today stumbled into the room. It was Cappy, the young male hamster who wore his green-colored swimming cap. Normally he was a very quiet fellow; but when his eyes caught sight of the item in Maxwell's paws, the youth let out a loud, deep gasp that startled Maxwell into dropping the said item. It rolled eagerly to Cappy, stopping at his feet, inviting him to take the horrible bait.

"Wow…a real diamond of sugar! I call dibs!" Cappy exclaimed.

The young hamster picked up the volatile "candy." His mouth opened wide, like an eternal void ready to consume his cherished treat. Time seemed to slow down for everyone at that point, like an overly dramatic action movie, as all who were present (and conscious) screamed "Nooooooooo!" at the top of their lungs, while Maxwell executed a trademarked Bulletdodge in a desperate attempt to save Cappy from lustful damnation.

Alas, it was too late. Cappy bit and swallowed. Maxwell missed and fell flat on his face. Then, the obscene visual sprang out of Cappy like a released rubber band. The audience gasped once more.

"Ahhh! What happened to my thing?!" Cappy exclaimed, dropping the pill, as Bijou and Pashmina ran screaming for their virginity. "I feel…funny…"

THE END


End file.
